Lately I’ve been missing someone who hasn’t been in my life in quite a while. Someone who was never there for long in the first place. I have all these thoughts and ideas and worries, and my head is in so many places all at once, and I don’t even really understand why but I keep coming back to this same person.
I don’t know how I would reach out, or if I should do it at all. I don’t know what I would say. I don’t even know what I would want out of some sort of interaction. I just know that part of me feels this compulsion to do something so out of character, so out of the ordinary, that there must be a reason for it.
Soon it’ll be a new year. It’ll be time to make the changes that we put off all year long. I don’t ever want to look back at my life and wonder what if, and if all I ever get is the chance to answer that question, to satisfy that urge, I think it will be enough.
I am very good at letting go. This desire to look back, to reach into the past, is new and strange for me. I don’t understand what prompts it, and I don’t know how to handle it. I will probably make a big, ugly mess of it in the end. But I do not have it in me not to try.
